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Saturday, December 3, 2011

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...

Dedicated to all my engineer friends




  • If you refer to your spouse as "\woman at home.wife,"
  • If your favorite TV show is "Mr. Wizard" instead of "Baywatch,"
  • If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results,
  • If when someone asks "What's new?" you answer "C over lambda,"
  • If you know Bill Gates' e-mail address, and don't remember your own,
  • If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a giant capacitor,
  • If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert,
  • If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils,
  • If when your 3-year old asks "Why is the sky blue?" you start explaining it to them,
  • If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet and why,
  • If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling,
  • you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are.
  • If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch,
  • If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart,
  • If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center,
  • If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation,
  • If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that
  • takes five minutes to run,
  • If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an airplane, and why,
  • If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug "bites" and you respond that "Yes, we do need more memory in our computer,"
  • If Dilbert is your hero
  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
  • If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
  • If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
  • If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
  • If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
  • If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
  • If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
  • If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
  • If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
  • If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
  • If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • If you have never backed-up your hard drive
  • If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
  • If you see a good design and still have to change it
  • If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
  • If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
  • If you have more toys than your kids
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have seen most of the shows already
  • If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
  • If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
  • If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music=7F
  • If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom
  • If your checkbook always balances
  • If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the Mission Controllers
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car
  • If you know what http:/ stands for
  • If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
  • If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Engineer Again . . .


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."




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There are four engineers driving home from a car donation warehouse: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who had said nothing. "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"




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TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES




1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in

the wind.




2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE

PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.




3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.




4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.




5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind

schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.




6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew

up when we threw the switch.




7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the

stupid thing works.




8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who

understood the thing quit.




9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about

hopeless.




10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.




11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.




12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say

as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.




13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!




14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.




15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.




16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!




17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.




18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.




19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.




20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.


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