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Saturday, December 3, 2011

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...

Dedicated to all my engineer friends




  • If you refer to your spouse as "\woman at home.wife,"
  • If your favorite TV show is "Mr. Wizard" instead of "Baywatch,"
  • If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results,
  • If when someone asks "What's new?" you answer "C over lambda,"
  • If you know Bill Gates' e-mail address, and don't remember your own,
  • If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a giant capacitor,
  • If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert,
  • If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils,
  • If when your 3-year old asks "Why is the sky blue?" you start explaining it to them,
  • If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet and why,
  • If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling,
  • you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are.
  • If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch,
  • If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart,
  • If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center,
  • If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation,
  • If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that
  • takes five minutes to run,
  • If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an airplane, and why,
  • If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug "bites" and you respond that "Yes, we do need more memory in our computer,"
  • If Dilbert is your hero
  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
  • If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
  • If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
  • If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
  • If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest Sci-Fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
  • If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
  • If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
  • If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
  • If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
  • If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
  • If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • If you have never backed-up your hard drive
  • If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
  • If you see a good design and still have to change it
  • If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
  • If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
  • If you have more toys than your kids
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery Channel and have seen most of the shows already
  • If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
  • If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
  • If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music=7F
  • If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom
  • If your checkbook always balances
  • If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the Mission Controllers
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car
  • If you know what http:/ stands for
  • If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
  • If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Engineer Again . . .


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."




-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-




There are four engineers driving home from a car donation warehouse: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who had said nothing. "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"




-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-







TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES




1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in

the wind.




2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE

PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.




3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.




4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.




5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind

schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.




6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew

up when we threw the switch.




7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the

stupid thing works.




8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who

understood the thing quit.




9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about

hopeless.




10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.




11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.




12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say

as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.




13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!




14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.




15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.




16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!




17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.




18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.




19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.




20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Inspirational Quote - For Professionals - 2











Inspirational Quote - For Professionals

An old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in train. 
Train was about to leave the station. 

All passengers were settling down their seat. 
As train started a young man was filled with lot of joy & curiosity. 

He was sitting on window side. 
He went out one hand & felt passing air. He shouted, "Dad see all trees are going behind". 

Old man smiled & admired son's feelings. 
Beside young man; one couple was sitting & listening to all conversion between father & son. 

They were little awkward with attitude of 25 years old man behaving like a small kid.

Suddenly young man again shouted, "Dad see pond & animals. Clouds moving with train". 

Couple was watching young man with embarrassment. 
Then it started raining & some water drops touched young man's hand. 

He was filled with joy & closed his eyes. 
He shouted again," Dad it's raining, water is touching me, see dad". 

Couple couldn't help themselves & asked the old man. 
"Why don't you visit the Doctor & get treatment for your son." 

Old man said,

" Yes, We are coming from hospital. Today only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".

Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

Thursday, June 23, 2011

ગુજરાતીઓની ખાસિયતો...

વધેલા શરીરવાળા ગુજરાતીઓ માટે કસરત એટલે જમ્યા પછી પાનના ગલ્લા સુધી ચાલતાં જવું તે. મોઢામાં પાન કે મસાલો દબાવી કલાકો સુધી વિષયવિહીન ચર્ચાઓ કરવામાં ગુજરાતીઓની માસ્ટરી છે. પાનના ગલ્લા અને ચાની કીટલીઓ એ ગુજરાતીઓ માટે વૈચારિક આદાન-પ્રદાન માટેના આદર્શ સ્થાનકો છે. સાચો સમાજવાદ આ બે જગ્યાઓએ જ જોવા મળે છે. અહીંયા ગાડીસ્કૂટરવાળા સાથે જ મજૂર પણ ઊભો રહી ચા પીતો હોય છે. (આ વાત પર બે કટિંગ ચા થઈ જાયહોં ભઈ!) 
દરેક ગુજરાતી મા-બાપને તેમના સંતાનોને ડોક્ટરએન્જિનિયર કે સી.એ.બનાવવામાં જ રસ હોય છે. સંતાનોની કરિયર મા-બાપ જ નક્કી કરે છે. કોઈ ગુજરાતી મા-બાપને એવું કહેતા સાંભળ્યા નથી કે 'મારે મારા દીકરાને કલાકાર બનાવવો છેમારે મારી દીકરીને ચિત્રકાર બનાવવી છેમારો દીકરો ફોજમાં જશેમારી દીકરીને એથ્લિટ બનાવવી છેમારા દીકરાને ફેલ્પ્સ જેવો તરવૈયો બનાવવો છે.' (નાટક-ચેટકકવિતાસાહિત્ય-લેખનના રવાડે ચઢેલા છોકરાંવને તો આઉટલાઈનના કહેવાય છેહોં ભઈ !)
રૂપિયા કમાવા સિવાય બીજો કોઈ પણ શોખ ન ધરાવતા ગુજરાતીઓનો એક શોખ ખૂબ જાણીતો છે રજાઓમાં ફરવા જવાનો અને તે પણ સાથે ખૂબ બધા નાસ્તા લઈને. જ્યારે અને જ્યાં પણ ફરવા જઈએ ત્યારે 
ડબ્બાઓના ડબ્બાભરીને સેવમમરાઢેબરાં,ગાંઠિયાં,પૂરીઓઅથાણાં સાથે લઈને નીકળીએ છીએ. ઘર બદલ્યું હોય એટલો બધો સામાન લઈ ટ્રેનમાં ખડકાઈએ છીએ અને ટ્રેન ઉપડે કે પંદર જ મિનિટમાં રાડારાડી કરતાં નાસ્તાઓ ઝાપટવા મંડીએ છીએ અને ઢોળવા મંડીએ છીએ. ગુજરાતીઓના ફરવાના શોખના કારણે પરદેશની ટૂરમાં ગુજરાતી થાળી મળતી થઈ ગઈ છે. જો ગુજરાતીઓ ફરવાનું બંધ કરી દે તો બધી જ ટ્રાવેલ્સ એજન્સીઓ અને પેકેજ ટૂરકપલ ટૂરવાળાઓનું ઉઠમણું થઈ જાય. (આપણે ફરવાની સાથે ફરવાની સલાહ આપવાના પણ શોખીન છીએ. નવસારી સુધી પણ નહીં ગયેલો માણસ નૈનિતાલ કેવી રીતે જવું તેની સલાહ આપી શકેહોં ભઈ!)

ગુજરાતીઓના લેટેસ્ટ બે શોખ. 
એક - ટુ વ્હીલર અને બીજો - મોબાઈલ. જગતમાં સૌથી વધારે ટુ વ્હીલર ગુજરાતમાં ફરે છે. આપણું ચાલે એક રૂમમાંથી બીજા રૂમમાં જવા માટે પણ ટુ-વ્હીલર વાપરીએ. પહેલાના જમાનામાં એવું કહેવાતું તું કે 'દેવું કરીને પણ ઘી પીવું.'હવે એવું કહેવાય છે કે 'દેવું કરીને પણ બાઈક લેવું.' ગુજરાતીઓના 'દિલની સૌથી નજીક' જો કોઈ હોય તો તે છે મોબાઈલ (કેમકે આપણે મોબાઈલને હંમેશાં શર્ટના ઉપલાં ખિસ્સામાં જ રાખીએ છીએ.) જાત-જાતના મોબાઈલ,ભાતભાતની રિંગટોનનો આપણને જબરજસ્ત ક્રેઝ છે. મોબાઈલની સૌથી વધુ સ્કિમ આપણા ગુજરાતમાં જ છે અને તેનો સૌથી વધુ લાભ પણ ગુજરાતીઓ ઉઠાવે છે. જો સ્કિમમાં 'ફ્રી' લખ્યું તો તો'લ્લા'. રાત્રે દસથી સવારે છ,'મોબાઈલથી મોબાઈલ ફ્રીએવી સ્કિમ જાહેર થાય એટલે ગુજરાતીઓ મચી જ પડે.. બાજુ-બાજુમાં બેઠા હોય તો પણ મોબાઈલથી મોબાઈલ વાતો કરે ! (હેલો…, અને જ્યારે બિલ આવે ત્યારે કંપનીવાળા જોડે સૌથી વધુ બબાલ પણ આપણે જ કરીએ છીએહોં ભઈ !)

ગુજરાતીઓની સ્વભાવગત ખાસિયત પણ અનોખી છે. આપણે એવર ઓપ્ટિમિસ્ટ એટલે કે સદાય આશાવાદી માણસો છીએ. શેરબજાર ક
ભૂ...સકરતું તૂટે તો પણ આપણે આશા રાખીએ છીએ કે 'કશો વાંધો નહીં, કાલે બજાર ઉપર આવી જ જશે.' આ સાથે આપણે ગુજરાતીઓ એટલા જ ખમીરવંતા પણ છીએ. ભૂકંપ આવેપૂર આવે કે બોમ્બ બ્લાસ્ટ થાય,આપણે ત્યાં બીજા દિવસથી તો બધું રાબેતા મુજબ….
ગુજરાતીઓની એક સૌથી મોટી ખાસિયત
ખૂબીવિશેષતાવિલક્ષણતા એ છે કે આપણે ગુજરાતીઓ ક્યારેય પણ કોઈનાથી ઈમ્પ્રેસ થતા નથી. સાદા શબ્દોમાં કહીએ તો આપણે ક્યારેય કોઈથી ઘીસ ખાતા નથી. ગમે તેવો મોટો ચમરબંધી હોય પણ આપણે તેનાથી અંજાઈ જતા થી. 'એ લાટસા'બ હોય તો એના ઘેરમારે શું ?' આવી તાસીર જ આપણને 'જીદ કરી દુનિયા બદલવાની'શક્તિ આપે છે અને તેના લીધે જ ગુજરાતની ધરતી પર ગાંધીજીસરદાર અને ધીરુભાઈ જેવી હસ્તીઓ પાકી છે. (શું કહો છોબરાબરને ભઈ?)
હાચુ કઉં તો મને તો ઍક ગુજરાતી હોવાનો બહું ગર્વ છે
તમને છે?
જો હા તો
ઍક સાચા ગુજરાતી તરીકે તમે પણ આપણી આ 'ગુજરાતી ગૌરવ ગાથાને આગળ ધપાવો.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Woman: What I Want in a Man




What I Want in a Man, Original List:

 







 1. Handsome 

2. Charming 
3. Financially successful 
4. A caring listener 
5. Witty 
6. In good shape 
7. Dresses with style 
8. Appreciates finer things 
9. Full of thoughtful surprises 
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
 .


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36) 










1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 
4. Wants to talk to me. 
5. Laughs at my jokes 
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out 
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 
9. Loves to go for drives 
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 

1. Not too ugly 
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 
4. Nods head when I'm talking 
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 
10. Shaves most weekends 


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 










1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 
3. Doesn't borrow money too often 
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
 
9. Remembers your name on occasion 
10. Shaves some weekends
 



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 












1. Doesn't scare small children 
2. Remembers where bathroom is 
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 
4. Only snores lightly when asleep 
5. Remembers why he's laughing 
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 
7. Usually wears some clothes 
8. Likes soft foods 
9. Remembers where he left his teeth 
10. Remembers that it's the weekend 



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 
1. Breathing 
2. Doesn't miss the toilet 

Engineer again...

A quality engineer married an average girl.
After two years of tough life with her, finally


Engineer got angry and sent a note to her father-in-law stating that


"YOUR PRODUCT IS MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS"


The smart father-in-law replies,


"WARRANTY EXPIRED MANUFACTURE NOT RESPONSIBLE" 





TRUCK PAINTERS

Here are the 8 pictures of European trucks whose trailers are decorated to look like the sides are missing and the products they are hauling are painted on the sides and back.


The first one is of a bottle of beer and looks so real, like it is coming out the side of the trailer.
 The second is of a canvas tote bag.
 The third is of Pepsi cases and they are all stacked on the ceiling, and the bottom of the trailer is empty.

The fourth is of another truck with the windshield facing the back, a driver painted in the driver's seat looking back over his shoulder to appear like he is driving backwards. (Now this one is just plain scary, even when the German reads 'On the wrong way?')...
 The fifth one is of an aquarium with fish swimming in it.
 The sixth one is of a bookshelf with books lined up in it and a post-it-note with an advertisement on it, probably for the company that sells the books.
 The seventh one is for Pringles-Hot & Spicy. The 'inside' of the trailer has the appearance of having been through a fire.

& The Last One
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Best bus paint job Ever!




Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Small note regarding - 5 'S'


MEANING OF 5S

1.      Segregation – Sorting out                        ( SEIRI)
2.       Arrangement                                              (SEITON)
3.       Cleaning                                                     (SEISO)
4.       Maintenance of standards                        (SEIKETSU)
5.       Discipline                                                   (SHITSUKE)

      55 for Housekeeping and workplace management

·         Housekeeping is a show to visitors-auditors
·         Always a second priority
·         Responsibility – everyone and who is disordering – everyone

*      To increase productivity, quality of product housekeeping is essential
*      5S is a participative program

  For improving our work, environment and total quality
  It is a base for continual improving in organization
  It is a systematic approach to good housekeeping

WHY HOUSEKEEPING IS REQUIRED

      1.       Workplace become clean and better organized
      2.       Shop floor and office operation become easier and safer
      3.       Result are visible to everyone, inside and outsiders
      4.       Visible results, enhance generation of new ideas
      5.       People are automatically disciplined
      6.       Proud of clean and organized workplace
      7.       Resultant good company image generates more business to company
   
SIGNIFICANT BENEFITS

      1.       Happier employees with high moral
      2.       Greater people involvement
      3.       Low employee turnover
      4.       Increase number of suggestions
      5.       Better use of floor place
      6.       Less WIP- Work in progress and inventories
      7.       Better flow of work
      8.       Low machine breakdown rates
      9.       Low accident rates
     10.   High yield of materials
     11.   High product quality

  •  5S is a people oriented and practice oriented approach

WHY 5S MOVEMENT?
       1.       Human being feel good if workplace is clean and well organized

       2.       Helps in reducing time

a.       For searching things (1/3 of time people wasting in searching – Out of 16 hrs )
b.      For handling

       3.       Helps in reducing

a.       Waste, inconsistencies and strain
b.      Unnecessary items and reserve stock
c.       Space requirement
d.      Machine downtime
e.      Rejection / Rework
f.        No. of accidents 

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